What Writing This Actually Looks Like Now

When I wrote my first post about Wars in Wonderland, everything still felt like an idea.

Not it feels real.

Because I finished the first draft.

And somehow…that feels both exactly how I imagined it would and nothing like I expected.

Where I am now

I’m in the first round of editing.

Which feels a little like stepping back into something familiar - but also seeing it for the first time in a completely different way.

Things have shifted since I started.

The tone has changed. The romance has changed.

I originally thought I wanted it to be spicier - but when I actually sat down to write it, I realized…I can’t. I will literally sit there and giggle.

So instead, I leaned into tension. Into the “maybe'“. Into something that feels more Pride and Prejudice than anything else.

And honestly?

I love it more this way.

What writing actually looks like

There isn’t a perfect routine.

I write when I can - between work, life, and my son’s activities. Sometimes that means small moments. Sometimes it means nothing at all.

It’s not consistent.

But it’s real.

And that’s enough.

The part people don’t see

There are days where I look at what I’ve written and immediately start picking it apart.

Not because it’s bad - but because that’s just how my brain works.

I’ve always been someone who criticizes myself. And writing a book didn’t magically make that go away.

So on those days, I step back.

I let it sit.

And I try again the next day.

The shift

Something has changed though.

I’m more excited now than I was at the beginning.

Because this isn’t just an idea anymore - it’s a story. A full one.

I printed the entire first draft. Put it in a binder. Made a cover for it.

And every time I look at it…I get emotional.

Because I did that.

From an idea to a full draft.

A year of building something that only existed in my head - and now I can hold it.

The struggle (and the strange part of it)

Lately, I’ve been in a reading slump.

Which feels ironic, considering how much I love reading.

But every time I try to pick up a book…I get bored.

Because all I want to read is this one.

The world I built. The characters I created.

I don’t know if that’s normal - but it feels like something shifted.

The best parts

The characters.

Always the characters.

My FMC feels like an extension of me in a way I didn’t expect. She’s sarcastic, a little sharp, and probably says things I would say without thinking.

And then there’s Fen.

A side character I didn’t expect to become…more.

But he did.

And now he’s changing ideas I had for the second book.

Which feels chaotic - but also exactly right.

My space

I write in my library.

At a desk that feels like mine in a way I can’t fully explain.

Dark academia. Books everywhere. My laptop, my notes, my thoughts.

It feels like an extension of me.

And when I’m there, writing…

I feel like myself.

What this feels like

If I had to describe this stage of writing in one word:

Calm.

Which is surprising.

Because I have anxiety. A lot of it.

But this?

This quiet, messy, imperfect process of writing and editing and building something piece by piece…

It makes everything feel still.

Final thoughts

I’m still learning.

Still figuring things out.

Still doubting myself sometimes.

But I’m also proud.

And excited.

And more connected to this story than I’ve ever been.

And right now…

That feels like enough.